Day 18,008

So apparently I have decided to come back to this Earth planet again. Strange how it doesn't feel like the last time. Shits different, its heavy, its uncomfortable. Why does my meat suit feel like it doesn't fit. Where is the tribe like I had last lifetime? Where is the jungle? This planet is in pain, all of it, including the mother I stand upon. She is hurting, she is angry. All that time she spent evolving this land into paradise ruined by this fucked up human race. They are killing her. But why? So they could have all the toys they need to distract themselves from just being. Don't they see the sunsets, the majestical forests, the smiling animals. Ugh this suit is restricting. How is it so tight if its made from the dust of the stars that I come from? Did I expand? Did I grow too big to come here and be squeezed into clothing that feels like it should be for a child. I remember that pain of being born to a traumatized mother. I remember her fear. I felt it too. Its so awkward when you come back here. One minute you're so free and the next you have to rely on other humans to survive. Yet you remember where and why you came in the first place. Then that is even taken from you. Then the humans start their programming. Fucked up moms and dads telling you who you are, what your name is, what to believe, how to behave, and when to speak. Don't they realize we are not them and we have our own journey we are on. Ya, we need some food, water, shelter, and some love. I think this species forgot about love. Why are they all so scared of each other? Like seriously they are all so full of fear. I was too for a while. Until I remembered. This isn't home. Home vibrates the most beautiful hum, the most beautiful colors, and the love, fuck the fucking love is so strong. I remember when I had that first moment of remembering. That journey back home rocked this body and mind. It was almost too big to stand. That feeling of absolute love. I remember when I came back. I couldn't walk, I couldn't eat, I couldn't form words. Cause I didn't need those things at home. I didn't want them. I didn't want to be here. That can seriously fuck someone up to experience home while in this body. I wanted to kill myself for months. The helping spirits, my old friends, showed me how I could live easier on this planet. I had to die over and over until there was nothing left but the love inside of me. Fuck that hurt, that was brutal. It still hits me every now and then. These damn hormones pumping thru this body. At least now I can recognize them when they visit. The hardest part is I don't just feel mine. I feel everyone's. And the damn plants, animals, and mother earth. That shit is heavy. No one understands. No one realizes how much I feel. How much I see inside of them. Where is my tribe? At least the last time I was here I was with people who understood and we lived with the planet. That hardly feels like an option. Work-what the fuck is that about. They want me to be a slave to live here. I have to pay to live here. Is this a joke. Last time everything I needed was here. Now its considered a privilege to eat. Fuck this. I am so happy I learned how to escape this body when I need a break. Like, I really want to help these other souls but shit, their avatars are out of control. They are just living in the flesh and so disconnected from the heart. It makes mine ache. I am seriously shocked that this body of mine can handle all of this. They said thats why I'm here. But where do I start to help if nobody even realizes they need help. Something about helping the old sick ones go home feels good. They are so scared of death. They don't realize how free it is to ditch this body and go home. Maybe thats what I can do, just provide comfort at their most terrifying time. Then I can help show them where to go once they die. That feels good to me. I had a friend leave recently. I was sad. I also felt joy. Then oddly enough I felt jealous. Jealous because he got to leave his sick body and go home. Go Chris! I love you brother. The great part is he's not gone, he's right here in the formless. All full of light and love. He doesn't have to be nauseous every time he tries to eat. What do they think they are learning here. Do they even know theres something greater happening. They are so separate from each other and they like it that way. There are these groups that follow this book and they pretend to love while they are full of hate and fear. They worship false gods. Then they kill each other and say its for the love of their god. Wow, thats so fucked up. They say they are pro life but then they don't give two shits about the baby or family once its born. They say their god says its a sin not to give birth. Guess what thats called pro birth not pro life. Why would you choose to vote against assistance for that baby who was born into poverty. Remember we need someone to care for this fragile body for years before we can survive alone. Funny they have these schools where they torture children by making them sit still and pay attention to things that don't matter at all. They don't teach them how to get along or manage their emotions. They are just training them to be slaves for this material system they live in. What the fuck. They ingest poison into their system to numb themselves because its too much. On top of that they actually poison their food, water, and air to make money. This paper that has no value. What is this debt they talk about and who the fuck do they owe it to? I don't remember having to pay to live here last time. This hurts my heart to watch. This hurts my heart to be here. Can I somehow not remember home so I can go back to sleep just like them. Wait no, I know, I can't. That hurt way more. 30 more years of this? I have to find my people. Occasionally I find one. I feel them, I see them, but even the sensitive ones are struggling so much. I just want to hold them. But apparently its too weird to care so deeply. They are so reactive when they know I see them. Some freak the fuck out. Some know but they are scared to get hurt again. Can I find just one. Just one that I can press this body against and vibrate with. Can't we just look into each others eyes and see home? No one sees me. I feel invisible. Am I back in spirit form and just don't know. Can't be because there is too much pain in this deteriorating body. I just don't think they see me because they don't even see themselves. Always trying to be something they are not. Just be love! Just be love! This can all be better if we just be love!

Signing off for today. I have a feeling tomorrow's mission report will sound the same. Kinda like yesterday and the day before. Spirit friends, can you please just let me find one of these bodies to cuddle and vibrate with. Pretty please. It sure would make this mission a little easier.