Zen And The Art Of Costco

Alexa, what’s on my Costco list?

Playing Nickelback.

Wait, fuck no.

Alexa, what’s on my Costco grocery list?

You have three items on your Costco list. Would you like me to read them?

Didn’t I just fucking ask you what’s on the list? Yes, read them.

Okay, here is your list:

Frozen organic blueberriesPeanuts for the birdsDog food

Would you like to add anything else?

Fuck off!

Okay, just let me know if you want to add anything later.

Thanks, Alexa. You’re the best!

Ahh fuck, alright, let’s go. Hopefully the lines won’t be too bad on a Thursday at 1. I wish the

Broncos game was on. Then that place is empty.

Shit, I better get gas before I go in. Even though the lot’s pretty empty. I gotta get frozen

shit, so I’ll get gas now.

Well, gives me time to get stoned before I go in.

Sixty cars, one bowl of the devil’s lettuce, and twenty gallons of gas later, and now the lot’s

full.

Hmm.

Circle around for thirty minutes for that good spot, or just park in the back and get my steps?

Fuck it. To the back I go.

That guy is never gonna get that kayak in that Prius.

Universe, helping spirits, please protect me while in Costco. Please don’t let any bad vibes

in.

I reach for my Costco card.

Why do I need a permission card to buy food?

What’s this $100-a-year piece of plastic gonna get me?

Access to abundance?

That squirrel over there doesn’t need to pay for a card to then buy food to eat.

You already see all the abundance, don’t you, little guy?

That tree gives you seed and shelter. That pond gives you water.

Why do we think abundance is inside these four walls that smell faintly like hot dog water?

Sir, you need to scan your card.

Oh ya, sorry.

Left or right?

I pull out my phone and open my app to check my list again.

Blueberries, peanuts, dog food.

Let’s go left.

Would you like to see the new Shark vacuum?

No thank you.

It’s the best at picking up dog hair.

Really?

That’s a deal!

Bins are on sale. I probably need a few more to put some shit in.

But you’re trying to get rid of shit.

Oh ya.

But if you have the bins, you can organize the shit you want to get rid of.

Oh ya.

I’ll just get two.

Why’s my meat always covered in plastic?

Where’s the store where you just get meat in an organic canvas sack?

Does a cow know if he’s organic?

Does he have a fancy moo?

Yum, look how red that salmon is.

Why’s that other one look so gross?

Ahh. Farm-raised.

I guess if I grew up in a net versus a river, my color would be off too.

Maybe that’s why I’m so pale.

How does it find its way around?

Is it the salmon or birds that have a magnetic pull driving where they go?

Why do we need maps and apps to get around when other animals just go?

If salmon only swim up the river to spawn and die, did they learn that from the Tibetan Book

of the Dead?

How the fuck do they swim upstream?

Don’t they know they’re supposed to go with the flow?

Universe, please allow me to go with the flow unless I need to be like the salmon and swim

upstream.

Would you like a meatball sample?

No thank you.

Blueberries, peanuts for the birdies, and some dog food.

Ruff ruff!

Didn’t DMX die?

Five-dollar bag of unhappy chicken.

Alright, that’s a quick dinner.

I’ll have to clear its energy before I eat it.

Why does an organic farmer have to pay to certify that his food doesn’t have any crap in it?

While the other ones poison us.

Shouldn’t the labels be potatoes and poison potatoes?

Shouldn’t we put the label on what’s added versus what’s not in it?

Stir-fry sample?

No thank you.

Ugh, the fucking sample people.

Why does this feel like it’s the Hunger Games?

Did nobody eat today?

It’s like a Roman chariot battle to get the tiniest nibble of microwaved processed shit with a

thousand ingredients.

Fuck these people.

MOOOOOOVE!

Why the fuck are you stopped eating that sample in the busiest damn aisle?

Put that tiny fucking fork down.

Man up. Throw that shit in your mouth and keep moving.

Sir, would you like a sample of corn dogs?

No thank you.

Would these people just move?

Just make a damn area for sample carts, like a food truck gathering. Then all these starving

people have somewhere to go.

I pull out my phone and open my app to check my list again.

Blueberries, peanuts, dog food.

Yum. Ice cream bars.

Who needs fifty?

That’s a deal though.

Fuck, it’s hot out.

Why do you buy shit just ’cause it’s a deal?

You don’t need half this shit.

Remember the marketing.

They’re just trying to get you.

Ya, fuck them.

Sir, are you gonna buy those blueberries you’re holding?

Yaaa?

Well, then do you want to move? ’Cause you’ve been standing there at least five minutes.

Sorry!

That wasn’t five minutes, was it?

Or was he just being a dick?

Practice discernment.

Universe, please help me grow in my discernment.

Processed chicken slider?

Oh no, but thank you.

Ugh. Why is this food so gross?

Nothing feels like food here.

How did we get to this point?

Nothing looks like food.

Veggie nuggets! Who wants some veggie nuggets?

Those sound interesting.

At least it’s vegetables.

No line.

Nah, I’m good.

I wonder if they have linen pants.

Maybe they’ve got organic ones now.

Costco is catching on.

Maybe someday they’ll have crystal bowls.

Cancer on a stick?

No, I’m good.

Peanuts.

I love birds.

Man, the price for a bag of peanuts keeps going up.

Do the birds understand inflation?

Is it birds or salmon that use magnets to get around?

I hope they appreciate this.

Just doing their bird shit all day.

So free.

Universe, I call in freedom.

Freedom from life.

Eleven dollars for a giant bag of trail mix. Has all green M&M’s.

That’s a deal.

Money green leather sofa, got two rides, a limousine and a chauffeur.

I wonder how Biggie is doing.

Maybe I’ll see if I can contact him someday.

Maybe I’ll see if I can get Biggie and DMX together in a séance.

What’s that guy’s deal?

That guy’s got weird energy.

Universe, please help me not be judgmental.

I should have smoked some sativa versus that indica.

I’m fucking hungry.

Universe, please help me find the veggie nuggets lady.

Shit.

She’s done.

Thanks for nothing, Universe.

I’ll go to the self-checkout. I only have three items.

Sir, you have too many items for the self-checkout.

Oh ya.

I got the vacuum.

Do you need a box?

Nah, throw it in those bins.

$369.

Wow.

That’s the Tesla number.

Fuck, I’m starving.

A hot dog the size of my leg with 32 grams of fat for $1.50?

That’s a deal.

Why is there no iced tea?

I don’t want the sugar.

I have to pay for water in a plastic bottle?

No thanks.

This extra ketchup will help me get it down.

Universe, please help Costco understand that iced tea doesn’t have sugar and some people want a better option.

Universe, please also help people understand that iced tea never had sugar, so we don’t need to call it unsweetened tea.

Like, really.

How do we unsweeten it?

Which checkout person looks the most depressed?

I don’t want the smiling lady who’s counting everything and drawing smiley faces for the kids

on the receipt, only to have the kid toss the receipt in the parking lot.

Ahh.

My kids sure did love that smiley face.

Pick a line.

Who looks defeated?

There he is.

To the right.

No smile, just a line, and I’m out.

Sunshine.

Thank you, Father Sun.

Damn, that hot dog is good.

Just gotta unload and go clear my energy.

Universe, please help me remove any energies that are not mine.

When my wife got home, she asked what’s up with the vacuum.

It’s great for dog hair.

It was a deal.

Did you get dog food?

Fuck!

Did you get blueberries?

Yes, they are in the freezer.

What’s up with these ice cream bars?

Uhhh...

It’s summer.

Where’s the blueberries?

Right here.

Wait.

Fuuuck.

How much did you spend?

Check this out. It was $369.

You know, like the Tesla number.

What???

And I got trail mix with all green M&M’s.

Did you get the peanuts for the birds?

I had them in my hands.

Somehow...

Alexa, add blueberries, peanuts for the birds, and dog food to the Costco list.

You already have those items on your list.

Fuck you, Alexa.

Okay, let me know if you want to add anything else.

Universe, please give me clarity.